The best Rafa-as-Piaf picture I could knock together in 15 minutes. And seeing you ask, yes, I regret everything
71 min: Pass pass pass pass pass pass pass pass pass pass pass pass pass pass pass pass pass pass pass pass pass pass pass pass pass pass pass pass pass pass pass pass pass pass pass pass pass pass pass pass pass pass pass pass pass pass pass passity passity pass. No end product by Liverpool, though. They're the new Arsenal!
68 min: It's like the Anfield Road end is tipping up towards the Kop: the ball keeps rolling back towards Harper's goal. Now Gerrard slips Kuyt in down the right channel, but the striker drags his shot wide left.
66 min: Another right-wing cross by Benayoun is gathered by Alonso level with the far post, just outside the box. He rolls the ball back right to Mascherano, who tries to curl one into the top-left corner, but sends the effort wide. Newcastle are a shower, a sorry, sorry shower.
65 min: Benayoun whips a cross in from the right. Kuyt races in at the near post and flicks a header towards the top-right corner. Harper claims with ease.
63 min: Riera's shot into the Kop was his last contribution of the afternoon; he's replaced by Babel.
62 min: Smith is booked for a petulant lunge on Arbeloa.
61 min: Mascherano shifts the ball left to Alonso, who shifts the ball left to Riera, who sends a powerful shot screaming wide left and into the Kop. Newcastle are showing no fight whatsoever. If Manchester United weren't six points clear, they'd have every right to be totally radged off about this. "Remember Newcastle's spirited draw at Old Trafford on the opening day of the season?" asks Duncan Edwards. "Entrusting anything to Dennis Wise can't be a good idea, but Shearer has failed to inspire confidence in his players and has looked unconvincing from the start: hands in pockets, slight stoop, apologetic grey suit and tie."
58 min: Fair's fair, this was brilliant by Viduka: on a sixpence he turns and leaves Mascherano and Alonso for dead in the centre, before spraying a ball out left to set Duff scampering down the wing. The eventual cross is easily dealt with by Arbeloa, but what skill from the Newcastle striker. That was the sort of thing Iniesta was doing for fun at Real Madrid yesterday evening. Awesome (certainly in the context of what's gone before for Newcastle, anyway).
56 min: A couple of corners for Liverpool. Viduka - who did once score four in one match against this lot, now I come to think about it - heads the first into the Kop. The second sees Agger looping an odd header just to the left of goal, though Harper had it well covered.
54 min: Barton attempts a cross into the Liverpool box from the right but only manages to fall over and shank the ball into the stand. Even the simple things are way beyond this team at this moment in time. "Was Mark Viduka ever any good?" asks Gene Salorio. Not against Inverness Caledonian Thistle he wasn't. "My memories of him, much like Alan Smith, include only poor and hurt. And apologies to the Geordie faithful, but Newcastle look so poor all around that they really deserve the drop. Certainly more than Boro, who at least showed something yesterday. And the nothing that Newcastle have shown today most def includes their manager, whose management appears as vapid as his television commentary. Great player, full stop."
53 min: Mascherano has a shot from nearly 40 yards. That once-proud Newcastle are being treated like this.
50 min: Bassong heads a long Liverpool punt weakly out to the right of his own area. Gerrard, rushing in from the Liverpool left, sends a low drive just wide right. "Did you know Edith Piaf once released an album of Newcastle United football songs?" asks Ben Bamford. "It included that classic homage to the referee Qui est le branleur dans le noir." Even our pathetic nods to culture end up in the gutter soon enough.
47 min: Arbeloa curls a cross over from the right. Riera gets his head to it but doesn't bother with power, sending a dreadful effort wide left. He did have Benayoun in the road, but that's no excuse for such a weak header. Newcastle's central defensive partnership of Coloccini and Bassong continue to look all at sea.
And we're off again! Newcastle replace Lovenkrands with... nobody at all for a minute or so! Finally Gutierrez ambles out of the tunnel and Liverpool can restart the match.
Accepted Wisdom Challenge #275141 with Roy Allen: "When Shearer took over at Newcastle it was the accepted wisdom that he couldn't lose; even if they went down, it wouldn't be his fault. However, he has changed his tactics at least once per game, played Damien Duff at left back, relied on the aged trio of Butt, Smith and Viduka, left out Gutierrez, Nolan and Carroll and generally given the impression that he hasn't a clue. I know he inherited a shower, but he seems to have no idea how to pick and organise a team, let alone produce a miracle. Is this really not harming his future employment prospects?" Not at Match of the Day, I would imagine, no.
As it stands... Liverpool will be three points behind leaders Manchester United, having played a game more. And Newcastle will drop below Middlesbrough should the second half see them ship another nine goals.
HALF TIME: Liverpool 2-0 Newcastle United. Liverpool have been very impressive. Newcastle United's defence want shooting, although any firing squad would find it almost impossible to get them standing in a straight line along the wall.
43 min: It just gets more and more ridiculous. Agger saunters into the Newcastle half. Nobody bothers getting anywhere near him, so he keeps on going. Eventually he gets fed up of running and unleashes a right-to-left screamer which would have sailed just inside the right-hand post were it not for the excellent Harper.
42 min: This is just shooting practice now, and it's simply pathetic by Newcastle. Within four or five seconds, Gerrard is allowed a strike on goal from the right. It's blocked. So Arbeloa crosses for Kuyt, who attempts a Crouchigol with a scissor kick. That's blocked too. Then Riera is allowed to scuff an attempt wide right. Do any of Newcastle's defenders - or their midfielders, for that matter - know where they are in the league and what month it is?
39 min: The crossbar denies Liverpool one of the goals of the season. They ping it around for the best part of a minute, then Alonso picks the ball up in the centre. He's thirty yards out, but curls a majestic effort towards the top-right corner. It deserves to go in, but hits the underside of the bar, then the rooted Harper's back, then away to safety.
36 min: Down the left, Riera toddles past Martins as though he wasn't etc, and so on. His looping cross is about to be volleyed home by Kuyt when Coloccini gets his head to the ball and clears. That's superb defending. By Coloccini. Take a screen grab, folks.
33 min: Brilliant play by Liverpool down the right. Kuyt sends Arbeloa free. The full back cuts the ball back for the striker, who smashes a low cross-cum-shot along the six-yard area. Harper is once again out of the game, but Benayoun can't quite get to the ball in time to poke home, and the chance is gone. Newcastle are all over the shop at present.
31 min: Lovenkrands is at least showing a bit of fight, haring after a long ball down the left. He comes off worse in a collision with Riena, though, the keeper accidentally bundling him into the advertising hoardings. For a minute he looks crocked, but he soon gets up; he'll be OK. "I'm very impressed that you know so much of the lyrics to Piaf's classic," writes Dave Young, who may or may not have heard of Google. "When I was at school many, many moons ago (and you could probably add another 'many' there), our French teacher taught us to sing La Marseillaise. Strange how the brain works, but all these years later I can still sing the whole damn thing. It's good for a party trick when in France, but otherwise I wish I could forget it. Could use those brain cells for much more useful things, like remembering the last time Newcastle won anything. I also remember Wor Jackie but that's another story." You might as well tell us it, there's nothing better to do.
28 min: A GOAL FROM A CORNER! Liverpool 2-0 Newcastle. What shoddy defending. From the left, Gerrard swings a ball onto Kuyt's head, six yards out in the centre. Kuyt heads it straight into the centre of goal. It really was that simple. Coloccini is a sick joke. Newcastle, who started very well, are suddenly the shambles they've been all season.
25 min: Alonso swings a lovely cross towards Benayoun in the box from the left. He's got defenders sliding in left and right, so he twists and turns before sending a low shot screaming towards the bottom corner. Harper turns it round the post brilliantly - and then the referee blows up for a ridiculous offside. Brilliant from Benayoun and Harper, but what are the Newcastle defenders doing? They left Benayoun in acres there, then began sliding around on their buttocks like eejits.
22 min: GOAL!!! Liverpool 1-0 Newcastle United. Arbeloa swings a low cross in from the right. Smith should deal with it by hoofing it clear, but traps and allows Kuyt to nick it from him. The striker fires a low cross across goal from the right, and Benayoun pokes into an empty net. Shades of offside, claim Newcastle, but at first glance Benayoun looked just level as Kuyt fizzed the ball across the stranded Harper.
20 min: Gerrard takes a hack goalwards. The ball is currently sailing over Goodison Park.
19 min: Barton dinks a clever ball between Agger and Carragher, springing Lovenkrands free in the area. Carragher comes back at him, though, and Lovenkrands can't quite get a shot away until he's almost on the byline, to the left of goal. The effort is poked past Reina, but it's superweak and easily mopped up by Arbeloa, and then the keeper who hacks clear. That was promising for Newcastle.
18 min: What a miss by Kuyt. He crosses deep from the right, Aurelio sends a peach of a cross right back towards the same player - but steaming in from the right, six yards out, the Dutch striker sends a dreadful header wide left. That should have been on target at the very least.
15 min: Gerrard is given a preposterous amount of time by Newcastle as he meanders down the inside right channel. He eventually hammers a shot towards the top-left corner, but it's palmed around the post brilliantly by Harper. The corner is indescribably bad. "OK, je ne regrette rien," sings Lou Roper, "except for the purchase of the mindless Lucas Leiva and the sqandering of Ryan Babel's talent."
13 min: This is better from Liverpool: Kuyt chests the ball down in the centre circle and pings a clever pass to Gerrard, allowing his captain to scoot down the centre of the pitch at pace. The clumsy Coloccini bundles him over, 30 yards from goal. Gerrard gets up to take the free kick himself, but his attempt to pass it into the bottom-right corner is hopelessly weak, and easily claimed by Harper.
11 min: This is a really impressive start by Newcastle: they look by far the more accomplished on the ball, with Smith, Viduka and Martins seeing an awful lot of it. Meanwhile the home side are already resorting to long balls down the channels, a tactic which may just be slightly less effective with Kuyt rather than Torres scampering after them.
9 min: "You're gonna win fuck all," chorus the Newcastle United fans gleefully. You simply have to admire their chutzpah.
7 min: Liverpool have made a habit of flying out of the blocks recently, but not today: Newcastle are enjoying more of the play at the moment. Martins nips down the right into space, but his cross is a wee bit too strong for Viduka in the centre and Arbeloa wheechs the ball clear.
4 min: Riera takes down a raking Alonso pass on the left wing and sets Kuyt free down the inside left channel, but the striker's just ahead of the first successful Newcastle offside trap since 2002, and the whistle goes. A nice open feel to this game, though.
2 min: A positive start by both teams: now Newcastle tear up the other end, Martins winning a corner with a thrash from outside the area, then Smith having a pop that's charged down by Arbeloa.
1 min: Gerrard walks past Coloccini down the left like he's not there, which to all intents and purposes he might as well not be. The Liverpool captain stumbles, though, while Benayoun, who he digs a pass out towards, falls over.
And we're off! Michael Owen is sitting on the bench with a face on. Alan Shearer, who has dropped him, is sauntering up and down the touchline like he doesn't give a flying one. Newcastle will be kicking towards the Kop.
Kick off: 1.30pm
The descent of refereeing continues apace: Phil Dowd (Staffordshire)
The descent of Michael Owen continues apace: Harper, Beye, Coloccini, Bassong, Duff, Smith, Butt, Martins, Barton, Lovenkrands, Viduka.
Subs: Krul, Nolan, Guthrie, Owen, Gutierrez, Edgar, Carroll.
Fernando Torres is hamstrung: Reina, Arbeloa, Carragher, Agger, Aurelio, Alonso, Mascherano, Benayoun, Gerrard, Riera, Kuyt.
Subs: Cavalieri, Dossena, Babel, Lucas, Ngog, El Zhar, Skrtel.
Stoke, Fulham, West Ham, Hull, Everton, Manchester City. With the championship pretty much done and dusted now, Liverpool fans won't need me to say much else. Except to suggest that, contrary to popular belief, all those costly draws really weren't the result of too much Rafael Benitez tinkering, nor has the manager been overly defensive. When it all comes down, upwardly mobile Liverpool are simply not quite as savvy yet as the reigning champions at monotonously scraping those crucial 1-0 wins when not playing well. Still, there are four strong arguments suggesting Liverpool have, at their peak, been the best side over this league campaign - those victories over Manchester United and Chelsea - so perhaps, just for one day, the Kop should replace its favourite anthem of defiance with another. Altogether now: Non, Rien De Rien, Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien, Ni Le Bien Qu'on M'a Fait, Ni Le Mal, Tout Ca M'est Bien Egal, Non, Rien De Rien, Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien, C'est Paye, Balaye, Oublie, Je Me Fous Du Passe!
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